A scar, once reopened is even more hurtful than when it was a fresh wound. That is what happens when a trauma is repeated.
Did you ever wonder why whenever we would go home to Abra, we would not even dare enter your house?
If you should know your family history, I was in my grade years in elementary when your father, our dear old Uncle, Nesing, who along with some of his brothers, threatened our family, your relatives out of our house, the one the you are living in right now. I was still not in my teens at that time, and you are even older than i am, yet you already forget? It's either you have a case of selected amnesia, or is so calloused by your greed that you don't even remember anymore.
What rights were not trampled? Isn't humiliating someone not trampling one's right? And you do it for what? For a measly parcel of a square foot of room? You must be happy now. But do remember what was written, "what profits a man if he gains the whole world yet loses his own soul?"
Since you speak of rights, i have to assure you not to worry. We have no desire of claiming what was rightfully ours. If not for some dear family in Bangued, we won't even (not in our dreams) set foot in that place anymore. Seeing you, our own blood, only relieve bad memories. Somehow, we have already manage to forget that incident, and many more. Yet with what was done to our cousin, your cousin too, you are repeating history all over again. And that bad memory seem to turn again into nightmare. If we have had the chance to go there at once and defend our relative, also your cousin, we would have. But distance and time prevented us. My sister can only console her cousin, and unfortunately she opened an already healed wound and made us remember.
I wonder what joy you find in accumulating everything for yourself and in exchange pushing away your kin? It was always in Bangued, from my so-called relatives that i always heard the phrase "blood is thicker than water." But sadly, it's just semantics, a mere lip-service. Why do you push people away? Do you think that you will be loved the more if you show yourself as an agressor?
Do you realize that when Uncle Choi got sick, it was not difficult for us to take him in our home and somehow take care of him. But why is it that when his brother got sick that no one even bothered to ask how he is doing? It is because Uncle Choi showed love towards his nephews and nieces whereas his brother only showed intimidation and agression. Where Uncle Choi received loved, his brother sowed fear. Yes, people fear Uncle Nesing. But love? You have to ask people around and ask yourself why. Would you rather have people fear you than love you?
Another thing i can't seem to understand is that you proud yourself for the intelligence of your children and yet at the same time still live in ignorance. Do you still believe in sorcery? That is "kulam" in Tagalog and "gamod" in our local dialect else you still look for the meaning of the word. How can you profess intelligence and yet still believe in myths and legends that you were cursed by your cousin? There is a specialist called doctor and a process called consultation.
I hope you reflect on these things.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Friday, October 29, 2010
Farewell Uncle Choi
This morning is the funeral of my uncle, Zoilo Bañez, or Uncle Choi to those dear to him. I would have wanted to be there during the funeral but i am unable to go home. I was there during the wake though. I’m also glad that we went home to our hometown in Abra to visit him, three weeks ago before his death.
Violence seems to haunt Abra. My family is a direct witness, if not a victim, of this. When i was ten, my father was shot by a gunman from outside the window of a store. He survived the shot but suffered a stroke, and died two years after he was shot. Two years ago, just days after Christmas, one of my uncle was shot in the middle of the day. Years before that, my cousin was shot by gunmen in a motorcycle while he was waiting for a ride outside their home.
I think Uncle Choi died the most "honorable" way, if i may say, among his kin just because he did not die under the bullet. Late November or early December of last year, he found out that he had cancer. But my memory of him is that of someone not in pain, but in genteel acceptance. While he was undergoing series of chemotherapies and radiations, i never heard him complain nor curse, nor exhibit anger about what happened to him. Neither did i see him wreathe in pain nor wallow in his agony. He would only sit by the sofa, quietly massaging his arm. Or he would be reading books or answering crossword puzzles. But he was never in despair.
Whenever we would be visiting him at the hospital, he was the one entertaining us with his stories as if he was not the patient. He would tell us such theories as when is the best time to gather honey because this kind of flowers from this or that part of Abra is in bloom at that time of the month. He is also very passionate when he would be telling stories about raising fighting cocks. I am amazed at the way he would be divulging his techniques about crossing different breeds, of what dominant feature each breed has, or of how he is able to tell which one would turn out to be a great fighter just by observing them. He was so passionate about it that he was making a joke that he would ask his doctor if he could raise a rooster outside the window of the room where he is confined. Listening to him tell stories seems like listening to a teacher making science real to his students.
When we went home to visit him early this October, he was already speaking in whisper and barely audible. But what I vividly remember is how he firmly grasped my hand and told me with all apologies how he would be unable to attend my wedding this December. I told him that there would still be enough time for him to recover. He would have been my Godfather or “Ninong” for my wedding in December.
But he will no longer be present for my wedding. And i will never hear his stories anymore. I still remember the stories, but i would no longer hear it the way Uncle Choi told them.
Violence seems to haunt Abra. My family is a direct witness, if not a victim, of this. When i was ten, my father was shot by a gunman from outside the window of a store. He survived the shot but suffered a stroke, and died two years after he was shot. Two years ago, just days after Christmas, one of my uncle was shot in the middle of the day. Years before that, my cousin was shot by gunmen in a motorcycle while he was waiting for a ride outside their home.
I think Uncle Choi died the most "honorable" way, if i may say, among his kin just because he did not die under the bullet. Late November or early December of last year, he found out that he had cancer. But my memory of him is that of someone not in pain, but in genteel acceptance. While he was undergoing series of chemotherapies and radiations, i never heard him complain nor curse, nor exhibit anger about what happened to him. Neither did i see him wreathe in pain nor wallow in his agony. He would only sit by the sofa, quietly massaging his arm. Or he would be reading books or answering crossword puzzles. But he was never in despair.
Whenever we would be visiting him at the hospital, he was the one entertaining us with his stories as if he was not the patient. He would tell us such theories as when is the best time to gather honey because this kind of flowers from this or that part of Abra is in bloom at that time of the month. He is also very passionate when he would be telling stories about raising fighting cocks. I am amazed at the way he would be divulging his techniques about crossing different breeds, of what dominant feature each breed has, or of how he is able to tell which one would turn out to be a great fighter just by observing them. He was so passionate about it that he was making a joke that he would ask his doctor if he could raise a rooster outside the window of the room where he is confined. Listening to him tell stories seems like listening to a teacher making science real to his students.
When we went home to visit him early this October, he was already speaking in whisper and barely audible. But what I vividly remember is how he firmly grasped my hand and told me with all apologies how he would be unable to attend my wedding this December. I told him that there would still be enough time for him to recover. He would have been my Godfather or “Ninong” for my wedding in December.
But he will no longer be present for my wedding. And i will never hear his stories anymore. I still remember the stories, but i would no longer hear it the way Uncle Choi told them.
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
a fish out of water
In a democracy, citizens have the right to choose their leaders by means of voting. One downside in a democracy is that leaders are chosen by the majority, inevitably because of popularity. That is why we had Estrada for a president. A corporation is not run like a democracy. Employees cannot choose their leaders. And this should not be so. Corporate leaders are not chosen because they are popular. They are not chosen by the majority. They are chosen because of their merits, skills and talents. So i am often amazed when corporate leaders start playing politics. I wonder why there is still the need to play politics when they have the skills and talents suited for their position? This play is observable when you look at the symptoms. You see it when people get into huddle and discuss items in a very hush manner like it is the crucial minutes of a basketball game, discloses it to almost everyone, getting buy-in from almost anyone but getting suggestions from just a few, saying one thing to one and another thing to the other, changing decisions as quick and as often as necessary, giving it the name "proactive" while advocating the mantra "open to change", encouraging people to participate, creating an image of "i am listening" and acting the attitude of "i don't care".
Office politics is a different kind of beast. It is more difficult to understand office politics than to observe office policies. It is tricky to entangle because once you involve yourself in it, you may end up trapped in its complexities. And you may end up saying "my hands are tied", to borrow a common phrase by my boss.
Employers should not wonder when there is a high attrition rate. They should not expect loyalty from their employees if loyalty is not given much value by them. Where companies require only the best from its employees, those who get the best from outside means two things. Either they were not able to train within, or they fear to risk what they have at hand. But it is difficult to have the best of both worlds, that of having low attrition and getting the best from outside. If you drag a bait in the lake, by chance you may get the rarest of rare among the fish. But don't forget to nurture your pond.
Is our company playing this kind of game? i hope not. This is not something easy to prove. For someone to say that he is definitely sure of it happening, he needs to to have enough, concrete and explicit examples to prove. i don't have, so i won't. At least not in this blog lest i be accused of nitpicking. Or else, i may end up eating my words, or being dismissed by what i write.
Lastly, i read from Philippians 2:14 to "do everything without complaining or arguing." I am just writing my observations, but if i appear to be griping or complaining, i hope to be told about it. In fact i am much thankful to God about a lot of things. When i see the crowd of applicants lining up in hours, waiting for their turn to be called for interview, i thank God for giving me work, for having a challenging job, and best of all, having the dearest of staff i have ever worked with, patiently riding along with my idiosyncracies. However, this doesn't guarantee that i will stay long. I currently love my job, not necessarily the company, but more so the people i'm supervising, and some of the employees i interact with. But when God nudges me to go, consider me a fish out of water.
Office politics is a different kind of beast. It is more difficult to understand office politics than to observe office policies. It is tricky to entangle because once you involve yourself in it, you may end up trapped in its complexities. And you may end up saying "my hands are tied", to borrow a common phrase by my boss.
Employers should not wonder when there is a high attrition rate. They should not expect loyalty from their employees if loyalty is not given much value by them. Where companies require only the best from its employees, those who get the best from outside means two things. Either they were not able to train within, or they fear to risk what they have at hand. But it is difficult to have the best of both worlds, that of having low attrition and getting the best from outside. If you drag a bait in the lake, by chance you may get the rarest of rare among the fish. But don't forget to nurture your pond.
Is our company playing this kind of game? i hope not. This is not something easy to prove. For someone to say that he is definitely sure of it happening, he needs to to have enough, concrete and explicit examples to prove. i don't have, so i won't. At least not in this blog lest i be accused of nitpicking. Or else, i may end up eating my words, or being dismissed by what i write.
Lastly, i read from Philippians 2:14 to "do everything without complaining or arguing." I am just writing my observations, but if i appear to be griping or complaining, i hope to be told about it. In fact i am much thankful to God about a lot of things. When i see the crowd of applicants lining up in hours, waiting for their turn to be called for interview, i thank God for giving me work, for having a challenging job, and best of all, having the dearest of staff i have ever worked with, patiently riding along with my idiosyncracies. However, this doesn't guarantee that i will stay long. I currently love my job, not necessarily the company, but more so the people i'm supervising, and some of the employees i interact with. But when God nudges me to go, consider me a fish out of water.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
My brain was spliced this morning
Prior to my scheduled CT scan, a lot of ideas swelled my mind. I just hoped that it is merely ideas that are swelling my mind and not anything else swelling into my brain.
I was advised to undergo a CT scan because I complained of continuous headache, a headache that would not dissipate for days. Even if I slept for long hours, I would still wake up with the same intensity of pain in my eyes, brows and head. The doctor diagnosed it could have been just an ordinary migraine. I later found out that there is a kind of migraine which is accompanied or preceded by aura. They call it migraine with aura. When I asked the doctor what it means, she said that some people experience seeing flashing lights before a migraine occurs. I never saw any flashes though. I wish I had that aura so that I would know when the pain would attack before it does.
Alvi, the laboratory technician kept on flicking the back of my left hand, searching for veins to which she will inject the dye needed for the scan. The dye (or contrast) is needed to highlight certain parts of the image. I read that the contrast could be ingested by drinking, injected through a vein, inserted through the rectum or inhaled in a gas form. Mine would be injected through a vein.
And so, going back to my left hand, Alvi kept on rubbing the alcohol-soaked cottons but is still having difficulty making the veins appear. Not being able to make the vein obey her desire, she then turns to strap a rubber in my right arm and flicks the back of my right hand. She rubs an alcohol-soaked cotton on my hand. Not working. Throws the cotton and picks a new one. She rubs. This time she rubs harder. I wonder if I either have a thick layered epidermis or I just have thin veins. How I wish I could do anything to help Alvi in searching for those stubborn veins. If I only have the power to command them to come out, and if only they have the ability to listen to me. Finally, she found a good one, and when she did, I think the anticipation made me too excited that my blood pressure soared. They had to reschedule the scan until they had a good reading of my blood pressure.
I am amazed at the ever improving technology. I am fascinated by the syringe that Alvi used. After she injected the needle and placed bandage over the skin and the tip of syringe, she slowly pulled it away, pulling the needle and leaving a very thin rubbery or plastic-like tube inserted inside my skin. The needle is gone and I don’t have to worry of having any metal instrument break inside my body. But although very important in its function, its ingenuity is just small compared to the massive structure that was about to scan my brain. The CT scan, or CAT scan (Computed Axial Tomography) is a huge apparatus that takes cross-sectional pictures of the body. Imagine having thinly sliced portions of your body photographed or x-rayed. I also read that scanners have weight limit of about 300 pounds because too much weight can damage the scanner. I think I still have a long way too reach that limit. And so I have to remind myself to eat more fruits and vegetables and exercise, exercise, exercise.
This process made me realize three things.
While I lay in the machine table, Alvi asked if I am relaxed. I said yes. First, I realized that by undergoing a procedure that I do not know anything of makes me research, read and ask a lot. So I asked her a question which I think is valid. “Do I need to smile?” She smiled back and said “just close your eyes.” And so I did close my eyes. I wanted to see what was happening though but I fear the rays may damage my eyes if I open them. I wonder how my brain would look?
As I lay in the table and feel the machine moving inch by inch, I was reminded of one friend telling me that she hopes everything will turn out well and that nothing will be found. I wanted to let her know that I disagree but I did not. Second, I realized that there is sometimes that dread or fear to find out something is wrong in our body. Deep within, I am hoping that something will be found. That is why I agreed to be scanned in the first place. I want to find out what is the culprit that is causing the pain in my head, eyes and brows. I want to know its name and find out how it can be flushed out. I want to know what it looks like and what area of my body it has already occupied.
Third, I realized that when I am put in a place or position where I neither have any control nor knowledge of the outcome, I become more prayerful. I know that this should not be a good motivator to pray but sometimes sickness, fear, worry and pain can become a means to seek God. In his book “The Problem of Pain”, C. S. Lewis said that “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” Ephesians 5:17-18 says that we should pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for us in Christ Jesus.
I was advised to undergo a CT scan because I complained of continuous headache, a headache that would not dissipate for days. Even if I slept for long hours, I would still wake up with the same intensity of pain in my eyes, brows and head. The doctor diagnosed it could have been just an ordinary migraine. I later found out that there is a kind of migraine which is accompanied or preceded by aura. They call it migraine with aura. When I asked the doctor what it means, she said that some people experience seeing flashing lights before a migraine occurs. I never saw any flashes though. I wish I had that aura so that I would know when the pain would attack before it does.
Alvi, the laboratory technician kept on flicking the back of my left hand, searching for veins to which she will inject the dye needed for the scan. The dye (or contrast) is needed to highlight certain parts of the image. I read that the contrast could be ingested by drinking, injected through a vein, inserted through the rectum or inhaled in a gas form. Mine would be injected through a vein.
And so, going back to my left hand, Alvi kept on rubbing the alcohol-soaked cottons but is still having difficulty making the veins appear. Not being able to make the vein obey her desire, she then turns to strap a rubber in my right arm and flicks the back of my right hand. She rubs an alcohol-soaked cotton on my hand. Not working. Throws the cotton and picks a new one. She rubs. This time she rubs harder. I wonder if I either have a thick layered epidermis or I just have thin veins. How I wish I could do anything to help Alvi in searching for those stubborn veins. If I only have the power to command them to come out, and if only they have the ability to listen to me. Finally, she found a good one, and when she did, I think the anticipation made me too excited that my blood pressure soared. They had to reschedule the scan until they had a good reading of my blood pressure.
I am amazed at the ever improving technology. I am fascinated by the syringe that Alvi used. After she injected the needle and placed bandage over the skin and the tip of syringe, she slowly pulled it away, pulling the needle and leaving a very thin rubbery or plastic-like tube inserted inside my skin. The needle is gone and I don’t have to worry of having any metal instrument break inside my body. But although very important in its function, its ingenuity is just small compared to the massive structure that was about to scan my brain. The CT scan, or CAT scan (Computed Axial Tomography) is a huge apparatus that takes cross-sectional pictures of the body. Imagine having thinly sliced portions of your body photographed or x-rayed. I also read that scanners have weight limit of about 300 pounds because too much weight can damage the scanner. I think I still have a long way too reach that limit. And so I have to remind myself to eat more fruits and vegetables and exercise, exercise, exercise.
This process made me realize three things.
While I lay in the machine table, Alvi asked if I am relaxed. I said yes. First, I realized that by undergoing a procedure that I do not know anything of makes me research, read and ask a lot. So I asked her a question which I think is valid. “Do I need to smile?” She smiled back and said “just close your eyes.” And so I did close my eyes. I wanted to see what was happening though but I fear the rays may damage my eyes if I open them. I wonder how my brain would look?Third, I realized that when I am put in a place or position where I neither have any control nor knowledge of the outcome, I become more prayerful. I know that this should not be a good motivator to pray but sometimes sickness, fear, worry and pain can become a means to seek God. In his book “The Problem of Pain”, C. S. Lewis said that “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” Ephesians 5:17-18 says that we should pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for us in Christ Jesus.
Saturday, April 03, 2010
If you don't write it, it won't happen
There are times when we need to pause and to reflect on our lives, our accomplishments, failures, joys and pains. I think celebrating birthdays do just that. And so does new years. While new years make us think of resolutions, birthdays do more than that.
Today makes me think of blessings. These are things i acknowledge God has done in my life, in which i know fully well that some of them i don't deserve. i am blessed with a family that loves and supports the good decisions i make. i am blessed with a relationship with my girlfriend, and i am excited to move on to a level of relationship with her that involves commitment, for a lifetime. i am blessed with good friends and acquaintances. Friends i consider a treasure and so i am sometimes selective of association.
It also makes me think of failures. These are results of things i have done and decisions i have made, some not necessarily wrong while some not necessarily right either (This does not mean that i don't believe in absolute right and wrong, i do). Some of this decisions and actions, the result i know i deserve. But some i firmly believe i don't. But these are things i know i don't have full control of, and so i consider them lessons to learn and improve on.
What i realized is that i lack vision. i lack the ability to visuarlize what i want to achieve in the future. I generally know what i want in life, like a comfortable life, a good family, my own domain. But i lack vision in the specifics. What specifically are my goals? Someone who has a lofty position (incidentally, lofty means that you are prone to fall, eventually) in our organization told me that i should write what i want. That if i "don't write it, it won't happen." That statement was a rude awakening for me. Suddenly, with a single statement (of course coupled with subsequent events that may have magnified it), my whole view of an organization changed. i usually hear people talk of paradigm shift. That was a one hundred eighty degree (by the way, a three hundred sixty degree turn leads you to the same direction you were originally facing) shift in my paradigm.
All of a sudden, i realized i am living in a Jurassic period while the herd i am in is quickly moving towards the age of technology, devoid of the human psyche. And i cannot follow in the same pace. Whatever happened to values like hardwork, work ethics, perseverance? "If you don't write it, it won't happen." I can only exclaim "Wow!!!" It is as if i am drowsed with a bucket of ice cold water. I felt numb. All the years come to nothing because i didn't put into words the things i wanted. That was specifically my dilemna. i believe i am quite verbose, but i didn't know what i wanted specifically, so i cannot even draw them out of ink to paper.
What i know is this, that i should no lonber be where i am right now. I think it is time to move on. i am again at a crossroads in my life (or that should be in my career, to be more specific). This time i should know what or where i want to be. And i should put it in writing!
Today makes me think of blessings. These are things i acknowledge God has done in my life, in which i know fully well that some of them i don't deserve. i am blessed with a family that loves and supports the good decisions i make. i am blessed with a relationship with my girlfriend, and i am excited to move on to a level of relationship with her that involves commitment, for a lifetime. i am blessed with good friends and acquaintances. Friends i consider a treasure and so i am sometimes selective of association.
It also makes me think of failures. These are results of things i have done and decisions i have made, some not necessarily wrong while some not necessarily right either (This does not mean that i don't believe in absolute right and wrong, i do). Some of this decisions and actions, the result i know i deserve. But some i firmly believe i don't. But these are things i know i don't have full control of, and so i consider them lessons to learn and improve on.
What i realized is that i lack vision. i lack the ability to visuarlize what i want to achieve in the future. I generally know what i want in life, like a comfortable life, a good family, my own domain. But i lack vision in the specifics. What specifically are my goals? Someone who has a lofty position (incidentally, lofty means that you are prone to fall, eventually) in our organization told me that i should write what i want. That if i "don't write it, it won't happen." That statement was a rude awakening for me. Suddenly, with a single statement (of course coupled with subsequent events that may have magnified it), my whole view of an organization changed. i usually hear people talk of paradigm shift. That was a one hundred eighty degree (by the way, a three hundred sixty degree turn leads you to the same direction you were originally facing) shift in my paradigm.
All of a sudden, i realized i am living in a Jurassic period while the herd i am in is quickly moving towards the age of technology, devoid of the human psyche. And i cannot follow in the same pace. Whatever happened to values like hardwork, work ethics, perseverance? "If you don't write it, it won't happen." I can only exclaim "Wow!!!" It is as if i am drowsed with a bucket of ice cold water. I felt numb. All the years come to nothing because i didn't put into words the things i wanted. That was specifically my dilemna. i believe i am quite verbose, but i didn't know what i wanted specifically, so i cannot even draw them out of ink to paper.
What i know is this, that i should no lonber be where i am right now. I think it is time to move on. i am again at a crossroads in my life (or that should be in my career, to be more specific). This time i should know what or where i want to be. And i should put it in writing!
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