I am praying for someone.

I am torn between revealing my intentions right away and developing our friendship. You see, I have no problem with revealing what my feelings are. I have always been vocal and candid with how I feel and I believe I am eloquent enough to expound emotions in words. I always thought that clear communications, which I believe involves sincerity, is the key towards gaining trust. So, I think that for friendship to evolve, and trust to be gained, intentions should be revealed. Yet at the same time, I fear that she would shun me should I expose my intentions. Or that we both would not know how to react and move on in different directions. But for friendship to develop, the virtue of patience must be at play. Friendship can never be rushed, nor can it run roughshod through course of time. It should take its time in season, like a seed unable to do anything but just wait for its time to bloom.

I admit impatience, but I also desire to pursue someone at the cost of waiting. I hope and pray that she enjoys my gift of friendship also. But more than that, it is my prayer that that friendship will turn out to be something even more beautiful, with the help of God. After all, wine doesn’t ferment overnight.

God, If only the future is like a distance away that could be viewed in a spyglass, and you would allow us to glance for even just a small amount of time. What are your plans?

We look forward to the coming of another year. We make resolutions and promises that we hope to keep. I just wonder sometimes. What difference does it make to have a resolution for the coming year? What I mean to ask is why do we have to wait for another year to change whatever things we have to change in our lives? Why wait if it is necessary? Or is one year a good period to change? Perhaps because another number is added to a year, which makes it much easier to remember. Should we not we change whenever necessity demands for it? But then again, we don’t make a self analysis that often. So it must be that one in three hundred sixty five days is good to set aside for self analysis.

I myself don’t make that much personal analysis in my life. Not that I don’t have to. I think I do. And when I think of the things I necessary have to change, there is much to be done. But of course, it is much easier said than done. It is always my principle that in order to change something, another thing must take its place. It will be difficult to change something we have been habitually doing if we just refuse to do it. Something different but of greater value must be done, and it must become a habit to replace an old habit. And it is something we must do continually.

I think what I do need to change is the way I interact with people. I noticed that I have not been too concerned about other people as I think I should. In fact, I sometimes have an “I couldn’t care less” attitude. Sounds snotty? Yes sometimes, I admit. But what I thought was that for as long as I am not harming anyone, it isn’t important that I have to be involved with their lives. On my own, I have a lot of concerns, so why do I have to bother with other concerns? Even with friends, I have a limited circle, which makes it more convenient to “manage”. Yet even with a limited circle, I have not spent much time with them either. Not as much I think I should have. This makes me admire people who keep a lot of friends, and acquaintances, and manage to make time and effort to know how each and everyone of their friends are doing. It takes too much effort to do that, and it will drain one physically and emotionally. But to some, rather than being drained, it seems as if it is their secret on what keeps them going and moving on.

The next question for me is how would I do it? Next step after analysis: action plan.

“Faithful to the end, Focus on the Lord.” That was the title of the message this morning by the pastor, Peter Tan Chi at CCF, the church I’m attending at. As much as I don’t want to be technical and go into the details of the message, I must write the four things he mentioned on how we can remain faithful to the end:
Don’t focus on the past
Don’t tolerate small compromises
Do practice spiritual disciplines
Do develop eternal perspective.

Within the length of it, there was one sentence that became very significant to me. He said “Christians should not reach a plateau.” or something similar to that effect. He mentioned the principle of “skiing”, which I think a lot of us would understand but too few of us would be able to relate to. Funny how he said it, but true, that in skiing, there is only one thing to do, and that is to go down. In a similar manner, if we do nothing, we fall down.

Idleness. That is perhaps one of the cause why a lot of Christians eventually do not finish well in the race. I remember my grandfather. He is already in his eighties but he is still active in his work. And I think that when the day comes that he ceases being active, that is the time he ceases. I noticed that when people become inactive, they would begin feeling “useless” and would slowly feel the pangs of depression. That was how I felt when I had no work for months, that almost took a year. But that is another story.

Peter was of course talking of a spiritual downhill and not of physical activity. “Christians should not reach a plateau.” I believe when we reach a plateau, that is almost similar to a flat line, a medical term often used when the heart stops to beat and shows no electrical activity. To prevent going on a flat line, we must be attuned to God. There are five “activities” he suggested. And that is Bible reading, prayer, meditation, worship and fellowship. Activities that should not be missed. Activities that should become natural, just like breathing, just like eating. Activities that when we miss, makes us weak.

I just came from a retreat a week ago. I was a facilitator in that retreat. What does a facilitator do? To put it simply, we “facilitate” discussions after a message is given. There are almost eight hundred participants in the retreat, and we try to discuss the message in a small group of five to eight people, so as to make sure that participants understand the message, hopefully be able to answer questions left unanswered, and help each one realize how we should respond to the message. I went there with eagerness, with the idea to serve. And the passion still remain. But how do I remain faithful to the end? How would I prevent myself going in a plateau? Sometimes, I fear that there would come a time when I would run out of energy just like an engine would run out of gasoline. I could only refer to the assurance of God, in Isaiah 40:28-31:

Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth
does not become weary or tired
His understanding is inscrutable.
He gives strength to the weary,
and to him who lacks might He increases power.
Though youths grow weary and tired,
and vigorous young men stumble badly,
Yet those who wait for the LORD
will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.

There have been many instances in my life when I simply cannot understand what was going on. And when we those instances happen, my automatic response was to ask the question “why?”

If things are not favorable to me, I would ask “why is this so?” I in effect say that I don’t deserve what is happening to me. When I ask “why me?”, I unconsciously say “it should have happened to anybody except me.”

The default reaction is to ask for an explanation. It’s as if God owes it to us to explain the things that are happening. I realize, for the sake of argument, that if I do get an explanation, where then do trust take place?

In short, if things are not happening the way I want it to happen, these are the factors I realize why I get disappointed. One is because of expectations. I expect things to happen the way I have imagined them to become, or the way I planned them. Second is because of limited understanding. Because it is difficult to accept the things that are happening to me, the next consolation is to rationalize. But in order to rationalize, I have to understand the reason of things. Is it necessary that pain, failure or suffering always involve purpose? It seems fallacy to equate them together. Third is because of self centeredness. The idea that everything else revolves around me makes everything else seem insignificant compared to myself.

In some instances I would be stoic and desensitized. I would act nonchalantly and show an appearance that I ignore suffering. Yet I hurt inside. There are some instances that I would go on with a clenched fist and head held up high, challenge life and say “bring it on!” But that would be a draining activity, and most definitely I would end up defeated.

The only thing left for me to do is to turn to God. I have no other course but to accept the fact that things are not within my power, neither within my control nor within my knowledge. If there is one thing that I know, it is that I know nothing at all. My ignorance brings me shame. It is a humbling realization, but it’s a realization I have to accept.

“The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.” – Proverbs 9:10

a lot of questions go through my mind.
and most of them i find unanswerable.
for most of the answerable questions,
the answers are not mine to give.

when questions of the mind develop,
the heart is most often unperturbed.
but when the heart begins to inquire,
the mind becomes restless.

Dear God,
would you clear things ambiguous?
would you take away my fear?
would you speak when everything is silent?
would you love me when no one else will?