In February, I'll be the one to share a testimony about "Intimacy with God."

I just had written the draft, which I have referred mostly to some of the things I wrote in my journal before. This is the draft:

I have accepted Christ to become my Lord and Savior for almost fifteen (15) years now. Since that time, it was probably more of a convenience than a need that I have done that. I had no vices, and I thought I was righteous. I had to believe because it was convenient to. it was the right thing to do.

However, I discovered, only late in my Christian life that I had to love God more than anything else, more than anyone else. And I only realized that when I compared loving God to loving a person.

So I had to experience and imagine myself, being in love with someone. I imagined when I long so much to see that object of my affection. to never miss every opportunity possible to talk with, to spend time with, to discover new things about her that I never knew before. And I never fail to talk about her, and tell others about how I feel. I just cannot help but tell.

And I realized, it is not even worth comparing to the love of God. But imagine, if I, fully human, capable of loving a person with so much intensity, how much more intense could the love of God be for me? Then, it is not also right that I love God more intensely than I love that person?

If I may, allow me to share to you the following ideas I discovered in order to be intimate with God, it is these:

1. Realize that God loves you so much. It has somehow lost its impact as we always hear it in John 3:16. But this thought should not be neglected.

2. Love God more than the way you love a person. It is possible to be "romantically" in love with God.

3. When you love God, desire Him like everyday is the first time you got to know God. More and more, I discover new things about God and about His character.

4. God is a jealous god. I cannot help but put much emphasis on the thought that God is a jealous god. We should desire Him more than anything, more than anyone else.

Do we desire to know God? Gen. 32:26 was mentioned in the single's retreat, when Jacob wrestled with God and he said "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

But before that request, Jacob struggled with God, he wrestled with God. And in that struggle, when he came face to face with Him, and when he would not let go, the socket of his hip was touched so that his hip was wrenched. He eventually ended up limping because of that.

When we desire to know God, and eventually come face to face with Him, we would definitely have to wrestle it out with Him. It would not be an easy encounter but it would definitely be a struggle. Something costly would be required of us and it will not be comfortable. There may even be a time when God will "break" us.

I am not writing this in order to dampen your spirit but the opposite. This is a lesson for me and I end up amazed and tounge-tied affirming "God does require so much." And as a response I am reminded by David's attitude when he said in 2 Samuel 24:24 "I will not sacrifice to the Lord my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing." The song (I forgot the title) goes even better:

I will not offer anything that costs me nothing.
I lay before Him
nothing less than my very best.
And if I'm called to sacrifice, it will be
worthy of my Christ.
I will not offer anything that costs me nothing.

A lot of things have been going on through my mind lately, after my boss talked to me last Friday. He will be given a concurrent assignment on top of his current function. We both know this would eventually mean his total commitment to that project, and that I would eventually be replacing him.

It would have been a welcome news for me if I've heard that news four to five years ago. I would have been ecstatic about it. Now, I'm just not.

I don't know what happened. I used to depend on my own abilities. I used to think that I can take on whatever is hurled my way. Now I'm fully aware that my success is not dependent on my own ability because my ability is not of my own. Still, there's a tremendous pressure being put upon me. It is not imposed by anyone else but by my own fear.

I'm afraid that I won't be as good as my boss. That I won't be able to give the expectations of the management. If only I could deny what is being given to me. But I'm not someone who backs out of a challenge. I am afraid but I don't want to be called a coward. I fear that the time is not yet ripe for me. But time is not my own.

What shall I do then but wait?

Checking in at the airport, I saw from the other line a familiar face. The check-in attendant was an old friend. So I changed line. Fortunate for me, I requested being seated far from the tail-end of the plane. I get headache and too much ear-pressure being seated there. Request granted.

At the airport, I saw a lot of men wearing hoods and in costume. There are a lot of Moslems travelling today. My cellmate reminded me that this is the start of Ramadan, a Moslem occassion. And she informed me that my timing was quite right because this is a peaceful occassion.

So I arrived at Cotabato and called our branch cashier, right away to inform her of my arrival. It being a city, I expected hoards of cab drivers ogling, waiting for their victims, err passengers rather. I saw none. As in none. I went to a nearby waiting shed. Except for me, the shade was empty. Most of the men I saw are in uniforms. Fatigues and camouflage to be specific. This is a militarized area.

So after about fifteen minutes of waiting, I saw this cab. A small red car which I wouldn't even flag down if I were in Manila. But I was in Cotabato, not Manila and even in the middle of noon I wanted to get out of the place right away.

The place however is quite peaceful. I am not sure but I think we passed at the least three military check points. The airport to the city was quite far. The travel, without traffic, took me almost thirty minutes.

So today is the start of Ramadan. A month-long event for Moslems where they fast during the day and feast during the night.

I'll expect this to be a peaceful stay.

Have you ever been in love? When you yearn to see someone, daily if possible? And it is a terrible, terrible feeling to miss her? To crave to spend your time to get to know her more? To love and care for her in utter disregard of her returning that feeling for you?

Last night, this thought just dawned on me. God loves us so much right? Then, if we, who are naturally evil could learn to love someone in our own human ways, how awesome would the love God has for us then be?

I remember the time I first knew God, or at least have a knowledge of who God is. It was quite a sensation to get to know His character, to find out His plans for me, to understand how much He cares for and loves me. It was quite exciting, the hype and all that! No, please don't get me wrong, I am not trying to base my faith on emotion. The point I'm getting is this, I want to encourage us to love God more than how we would love a person. To love God like it is again our first time to know Him. I have never before entertained the idea of comparing 'romantic' love to loving God. But it is possible, and I'm excited!