There have been many instances in my life when I simply cannot understand what was going on. And when we those instances happen, my automatic response was to ask the question “why?”
If things are not favorable to me, I would ask “why is this so?” I in effect say that I don’t deserve what is happening to me. When I ask “why me?”, I unconsciously say “it should have happened to anybody except me.”
The default reaction is to ask for an explanation. It’s as if God owes it to us to explain the things that are happening. I realize, for the sake of argument, that if I do get an explanation, where then do trust take place?
In short, if things are not happening the way I want it to happen, these are the factors I realize why I get disappointed. One is because of expectations. I expect things to happen the way I have imagined them to become, or the way I planned them. Second is because of limited understanding. Because it is difficult to accept the things that are happening to me, the next consolation is to rationalize. But in order to rationalize, I have to understand the reason of things. Is it necessary that pain, failure or suffering always involve purpose? It seems fallacy to equate them together. Third is because of self centeredness. The idea that everything else revolves around me makes everything else seem insignificant compared to myself.
In some instances I would be stoic and desensitized. I would act nonchalantly and show an appearance that I ignore suffering. Yet I hurt inside. There are some instances that I would go on with a clenched fist and head held up high, challenge life and say “bring it on!” But that would be a draining activity, and most definitely I would end up defeated.
The only thing left for me to do is to turn to God. I have no other course but to accept the fact that things are not within my power, neither within my control nor within my knowledge. If there is one thing that I know, it is that I know nothing at all. My ignorance brings me shame. It is a humbling realization, but it’s a realization I have to accept.
“The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.” – Proverbs 9:10
